Read, Write, Run, Roam

Gellert Baths: Muz edition

You might feel some...pressure


Muz and I decided to experience one of Budapest’s grandest and oldest tourist attractions this weekend: the baths. We skipped the museums and concerts and headed straight for Gellért, the grandest bathhouse. For anyone thinking of going, here are a few tips to keep in mind: bring your own towel and suit, or plan to rent them. Try to figure out the layout before you get there, since there’s little direction for English-speaking visitors.  And if you’re looking for a massage, Muz has graciously offered his experience below.

This past weekend I decided to journey beyond my comfort zone and try a massage at a Hungarian bathhouse.  Let’s just say that it was a learning experience, and I would like to share a few lessons with RHOB readers (all three of you).

Lesson 1: there are no female masseurs willing to give a man a massage.  I didn’t know that before I paid.  But, no big deal.  Having another man give me a massage is not a disqualifier, so long as there is no nudity involved…

Lesson 2: it’s called a bathhouse for a reason.  You don’t take a bath with your pants on.  Everyone was in their birthday suit, including silly Americans who thought they could request a female masseuse.

Lesson 3: Hungarian masseurs are efficient.  There are no pleasantries.  When a Hungarian masseur tells you to take your pants off, and you respond “Shouldn’t you buy me dinner and a movie first?” he either does not get it or is not amused.  Either way, when he’s beating the sh*t out of you on the table, you’ll be left wondering if maybe comments like these are better kept to oneself.

Lesson 4: Hungarian masseurs do not get embarrassed.  When my masseuse asked me to lie on my stomach, I thought he would drape a privacy blanket or something similar over my rump.  Well, I was wrong.  No privacy blanket, and no hesitation about rubbing my rear in a way that no one ever has (or will from this point forward).  I definitely had a Fletch “Moon, River” moment while on the table, if you know what I mean…

I liked my massage, but tomato/paradajz, I guess…

Main pool of Gellért

Private (gender-specific) baths at Gellért



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